


It's Been a Lonely Year

by Super_not_naturall



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader-Insert, Real Friends, SPN - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, heart-break, it's been a lonely year, samxreader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2018-11-15 15:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11234070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Super_not_naturall/pseuds/Super_not_naturall
Summary: Late-night drives just aren't what they used to be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SamxReader
> 
> 1,627 Words
> 
> Warnings: Angst, I guess? Is that a warning?
> 
> A/N: This is for Brook and Taylor’s Angst Challenge! (AKA @wayward-oneshots and @impalaimagining ) I had the idea for late-night drives when I was on my own late night drive and then I thought, “Hey, might as well break some hearts while I’m at it.” My prompt was the song I’ve Given Up On You by Real Friends, which is one of my favorite bands and one of my favorite songs so I was super excited to write this. As always, feedback is definitely appreciated!
> 
> *I do not own any Supernatural character and/or gifs!

> **_It’s 4am and you’re keeping me from closing these sleepy eyes_ **
> 
> **_Does the thought of me keep you up at night?_ **

Sam gripped the steering wheel tighter, watching the lights whir by as he drove deeper into the backwoods of New York. The clock on the dash claimed it was 4am, but the youngest Winchester didn’t feel tired. If anything, he felt jittery and on edge.

If this was five years ago, Sam would be out for a jog; not pushing the gas pedal down as if he could push all of his frustration and anger out along with it.

He wasn’t like Dean. He figured he was in the car enough as it is traveling across the country for different cases. Why would he want to spend any more of his time cramped in the vehicle?

But that was before Y/N.

He still remembered the first night she had silently peeked her head into his room, whispering his name to see if he was awake.

“I can’t sleep.” She had said after he sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, “Want to go for a drive with me?”

He could never say no to her; especially on the nights she needed him most.

And so their late-night tradition started.

Sometimes they would take turns randomly calling out directions, other times Y/N would bring along a quarter and flip it every time they came to a T in the road: heads they’d go right, tails they’d go left.

The goal, however, was always the same: drive until you have no clue where you are.

He had never told her, but Sam loved those nights when she would creep into his room and shake him awake.

He loved the way she would stick her hand out the window and lean her head back, singing along to whatever was on the radio at the time. Her fingers would dance in the wind as if performing a routine for the night air, and her lips would always be turned up in that soft, smile he loved so much.

> **_You used to make me feel like I could walk on water_ **
> 
> **_Now most nights I’m just sinking down and down_ **

It was on one of these night drives when he first kissed her.

_It was 2am and they had taken the car from the bar Dean was currently occupying, looking for a late-night fling. Y/N was always much more animated on their drives when they were in different states; she loved seeing the new landscapes and finding hidden treasures underneath the moonlight._

_They had been driving for about twenty minutes when she had pointed at a sign directing them to a lookout._

_“Ooh! Sam!” She looked over at him with excited eyes and a wide smile, “Let’s go to the lookout!”_

_He had rolled his eyes as if he was annoyed, but the smile adorning his face betrayed him._

_He pulled onto the dusty road and wove his way through the trees before emerging into a clearing._

_He had barely put the car in park before Y/N jumped out and ran to the edge where a wooden fence protected people from falling off the ledge._

_He remembered the look of awe on her face as she gazed upon all the tiny lights in the distance, remarking on how it was as if the stars had fallen to the earth._

_He wasn’t focused on the view, though; he was mesmerized by the woman standing next to him._

_Without thinking, he had wrapped his hand around hers, causing a curious look to flash in her eyes._

_“Sam?” She had asked, “Is everything alright?”_

_He couldn’t speak, not if he was going to go through with what he was planning. He couldn’t lose the nerve that he had somehow built up on the walk from the car to here._

_Understanding seemed to dawn on her as he leaned forward, cupping her cheek in his palm. She lifted herself up on her toes and met him the rest of the way, her lips softly covering his own._

_Later on, after they were back in the car and driving back to the bar, she had asked him what had taken him so long._

_“I’ve been waiting for that kiss for the past year, Samuel.” She had joked, but Sam could only focus on how happy she looked hugging his arm with her head on his shoulder._

_Right then, he thought he would have been able to walk on water and take on the world as long as she was by his side._

But that was then. This is now.

If Sam concentrated hard enough, he could still see her lounging next to him with her bare feet resting on the dash-smell the floral scent of her shampoo that her hair seemed to hold on to even after the most grueling of fights …feel her fingers softly caressing his arm.

But it never lasted long; reality would seep in and he would feel her loss deep in his bones: a cold, darkness that never seemed to disappear.

_“What do you mean, I should go?” Tears were falling down her face, and he had to physically stop himself from reaching out and wiping them away._

_This was his fault. He put them there._

_The last hunt ended badly. Y/N had to be in the hospital for two weeks, Sam and Dean weren’t sure she was going to make it. Her heart had stopped twice and the doctors had given both boys pamphlets on loss and grieving._

_Miraculously she pulled through; surprising everyone in the ICU. They had just talked to the boys about making plans for when it all went south._

_Even though she survived, Sam couldn’t stop thinking about what could have happened. How would he have been able to live with himself if the woman he loved was no longer on this earth?_

_And so he decided._

_He decided that he couldn’t let her put herself in harm’s way anymore. He decided to let her go-to let her live that apple pie life she was always dreaming of._

_He could lose her to a normal life as long as he knew she was still alive._

_But he couldn’t tell her that._ _No, she would never let him give her up like that._

_Sam worked his jaw, bracing himself for what he’d have to say next: the only thing that would push her away._

_“I never loved you, Y/N.” He said coolly and without any emotion._

_“Bullshit!” She sobbed, taking a step closer, reaching out for him._

_He took a step back, knowing that if he let her touch him, he wouldn’t be able to go through with it, and he **needed** to go through with it._

_Her eyes pleaded, begging him not to do this, “You’re telling me that the past three years meant nothing to you?”_

_“I liked you well enough, sure,” Sam forced the words out of his mouth, but they left a bitter aftertaste, “but I just don’t feel anything special.”_

_She set her jaw, anger flashing behind her eyes, “I don’t believe you.”_

_But her voice wavered and Sam knew this would be his only chance to successfully push her away._

_“You can believe what you want,” He said, “but I don’t want you here anymore.”_

_Y/N quickly wiped at her eyes and shook her head. “Fuck you, Sam Winchester,” she spat before shoving past him._

_He waited until he heard the bunker door clang shut before falling to his knees, letting himself fall apart at the reality of what he’d just done._

_He never offered an explanation to Dean, and Dean never asked. In fact, there seemed to be an unspoken rule after that night to never mention Y/N’s name again._

> **_It’s been a lonely year …_ **

Sam pressed the pedal down harder, trying to outrun the memories that haunt him every night and keep him from falling asleep.

Most nights he’d just toss and turn in bed, but tonight was different. Tonight was harder than most nights.

Dean had broken that unspoken rule.

_Sitting in a bar in Rochester, New York, Sam saw Y/N’s name cross his brother’s lips accompanied by wide eyes._

_Turning around, he had seen her wrapped in the arms of another man._

_Her hair was different; cut shorter and dyed a lighter color, but her eyes were still the same shade of Y/E/C, reminding him of the nights they would spend nose-to-nose, lying in bed, sharing their deepest fears._

_She laughed, a sound Sam had almost forgotten, and stood on her toes to kiss the man the same way she used to kiss Sam._

_Sam watched the exchange, feeling every range of emotion from happiness at seeing her alive, to anger she was with someone else, to sadness because she was no longer his to hold._

_“Hey, man, let’s go.” Dean nodded toward the exit furthest from the happy couple._

_Sam numbly nodded, following his brother across the dive-bar and to the door where he could escape his past._

_He stopped, just before entering the cool, night air, and looked back in her direction._

_He wanted to savor this last sight of her, even if she was with someone else, because at least she was smiling._

_She turned suddenly, as if feeling his eyes on her, and let out a small gasp._

_She tried calling out his name, but he was already gone, disappearing into the night and leaving just as she had done a year ago._

> **_I’ve given up on you, but it still hurts to know you’re not alone_ **
> 
> **_Don’t worry, I’ll keep out of your life and stay awake at night_ **
> 
> **_With just my skin and bones_ **
> 
> **_It hurts to know you’re not alone_ **
> 
> **_I’ve given up on you, and my skin, and my bones_ **


	2. It's Been a Long Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always two sides to the story . . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I’ve been in a super bad rut lately, and for some reason, this is the only thing I’ve been able to throw together. This is a Part 2 to It’s Been a Lonely Year, and keeping with the whole Pop-Punk theme, I decided to use Sleep On It’s Unspoken as inspiration. (I love pop-punk, guys, so I will use any excuse to use it in a fic, tbh.) I hadn’t originally planned on making a part 2, but here it is. It’s probably a bit rough, mostly because I’m trying to get out of this stupid writer’s block, but feedback is always appreciated!
> 
> Y/F/N - your fake name, you have a new alias in a new town.
> 
> *I do not own any spn characters I may use

> **It’s been a long year!**

“ _Sam_.”

You disentangle yourself from your date and run out the door, ignoring the cold wind blowing your hair in your face and obstructing the view of that  _stupid_  67 Impala driving away from you.

“Y/F/N?” Eric, your boyfriend of two months, questions from behind you. “Hey, are you alright?”

You want to smile and convince him that everything is fine, that you are more than okay, but you can’t: you just don’t have it in you anymore to lie to him.

You shake your head and hastily wipe tears from your eyes, “I’m sorry, but this … this isn’t going to work out.”

“Wait, what?” His blue eyes widen, “What’s going on with you?”

You’re shaking your head and repeating, “I’m sorry, so sorry …”

You turn and run, thinking you hear Eric call out your name, but you can’t stop.

> **I feel weighed down**
> 
> **By the thoughts in my head**
> 
> **I try to keep**
> 
> **But I’m so far**
> 
> **From the place where I thought**
> 
> **That I would be**

Growing up, you had convinced yourself that you were unloveable. You were an outcast, plagued with nightmares from the night that your parents were ripped apart by a werewolf.

You had one rule: keep everyone at a distance.

But then Sam fucking Winchester waltzed into your life, saving you from a Wendigo hunt gone wrong.

You had planned on just thanking him and then leaving, but he insisted on making sure you were okay.

It didn’t take long for you to fall for those gorgeous eyes and kind smile.

Two months later, you were moving into the bunker. In a year, you would find yourself wrapped in the youngest Winchester’s arms as he trailed kisses down your neck.

You had broken your rule, and you were nowhere near where you thought you would be, but  _damn_  you were happy.

> **I’m getting lost here**
> 
> **I’m still chasing shadows from your glow**
> 
> **I’m getting lost here**
> 
> **Overthinking everything I know**

You thought you had wanted a simple life; a fucking normal life away from lore and monsters, but you were wrong.

Well, maybe you weren’t wrong. It was just that a normal, apple-pie, life meant absolutely nothing without Sam by your side.

You still remember the aching pain you had felt the night he told you to leave; it was as if someone had reached into your chest and ripped out your heart.

You had parked on the side of the road when the tears had become too much, screaming at Chuck until your voice was hoarse and your eyes had dried.

Then with one last look behind you towards the place you had called home, you started the car and drove away.

> **I’ve been trying to find**
> 
> **My peace of mind**
> 
> **But it’s so hard to hold onto**
> 
> **I’ve been digging so deep**
> 
> **For something to keep me**
> 
> **Pulling myself through**

You bounced around from town to town, even helping out on a couple hunts before settling down in New York.

You gave yourself a new name, found a job substitute teaching while earning a degree at the local community college; even made a few friends along the way.

But the pain was still there. It always was.

You threw yourself into your work, school, volunteering: anything to keep the Winchesters off of your mind.

You had even taken up running, something you used to endlessly tease Sam about, but you finally started to understand: the further you ran and the harder you pushed yourself, the more distance you could put between you and your past.

You thought you were doing so well, too.

But then Sam Fucking Winchester waltzed right back into your life.

> **So tell me again**
> 
> **Is this the end**
> 
> **Or is it another night I’m broken**
> 
> **I’m begging for anything that I can get**
> 
> **To make sure no word goes unspoken**

You bend down, planting your hands on your knees as you gasp for air, drops of water falling from your hair to the muddy ground below.

It had started raining an hour ago, maybe two, you weren’t completely sure; your phone died a long time ago.

Screaming, you fall to the ground, numb to the cold seeping into your bones.

Something about seeing Sam broke you: broke that part of you that pretended to have it all together, broke that part of you that covered up the pain, broke the false security you held inside of you.

Now all that’s left is that girl from a year ago: crying on the side of the road, calling out to Chuck to just end her misery.

Headlights shine through the rain, getting brighter the closer they come to you.

You close your eyes and lay your head against your knees, expecting whoever is driving to just keep going, but instead, they slow to a stop.

The car door opens, and you’re about to look up and tell them to just fuck off when you hear a familiar voice.

“Y/N?”

It’s been almost six months since you’ve heard your actual name, and even longer since you’ve heard it coming from a Winchester.

You open your eyes to see Sam Winchester crouched in front of you, holding out his hand as if he’s afraid to touch you.

You open your mouth to say something, maybe his name, but all that comes out is a broken sob through chattering teeth.

But you don’t need to say anything, because Sam, your Sam, is sitting in front of you with those gorgeous eyes and kind smile.

You don’t even think, you just take his hand.

> **Woah woah**
> 
> **I’m gonna need you here tonight**

**Author's Note:**

> Find this on Tumblr [here!](https://super-not-naturall.tumblr.com/post/161938497646/its-been-a-lonely-year)


End file.
